August, 2008
Black water Hattie lived back in the swamp
Where the strange green reptiles crawl
Snakes hang thick from the cypress trees
Like sausage on a smokehouse wall
Well the swamp was alive with a thousand eyes
And all of ‘em watchin’ you
Stay off the track to Hattie's Shack in the back of the Black Bayou
Way up the road from Hattie's Shack
Lies a sleepy little Okeechobee town
Talk of Swamp Witch Hattie lock you in when the sun go down
Rumors of what she'd done, rumors of what she'd do
Kept folks off the track of Hattie’s shack
In the back of the Black Bayou
It might be such “fake” places like Mayberry, NC, Hooterville [from Petticoat Junction], Dogpatch [from Li’l Abner] (Pogo’s Okefenokee Swamp is both real [in Georgia--Okefenokee National Wildlife Refuge (NWR)] and a fictional home) or the “king”, Scotland’s Brigadoon.
But forget other actual towns like Truth or Consequences, NM or Jackass Meadows, ID. How about Bugtussle, KY (not to be confused with one of Granny Clampett’s [The Beverly Hillbillies] favorite Tennessee towns, Bugtussle [Those have to be some of the greatest “last words”; Irene Ryan, appearing in Pippin on Broadway, had just sung, “It’s time to start living” and suffered the stroke from which she never awoke] or Bug Tussle, TX). While in Kentucky, stop off at Possum Trot, Monkeys Eyebrow, Beaver Lick, Butterfly, Mousie or Rabbit Hash.
Head west to Missouri for a trip to Conception Junction. No? How about Bible Grove or Fidelity instead? Cap it off by visiting Frankenstein or Humansville.
Slide on down to Greasy Corner, Arkansas. Don’t even ask how Hooker, Smackover and Bald Knob occupy the same state. And no trip to “The Land of Opportunity” could be complete without a trip to see the ferry at Toad Suck.
Good thing Texas is a big ol’ state, so Gun Barrel City and Point Blank can coexist with Ding Dong and Looneyville. Well, Who'd Thought It? Some places are simply Nameless . Scurry on over to Big Stinking Creek or Mudville. Before you leave, see what’s doin’ in Spunky Flat or Glasscock.
One day brought the rain and the rain stayed on
And the swamp water overflowed
'Skeeters and the fever grabbed the town like a fist
Doc Jackson was the first to go
Some said the plague was brought by Hattie
There was talk of a hangin’ too
But the talk got shackled by the howls and the cackles
From the bowels of the Black bayou
Early one morn 'tween dark and dawn when shadows filled the sky
There came an unseen caller on a town where hope run dry
In the square there was found a big black round
Vat full of gurgling brew
Whisperin’ sounds as the folks gathered round
"It came from the Black Bayou"
Thank you, Louisiana; Jigger, Belcher and Cut-Off belong in the same place. Are Eros, Latex and Fort Necessity near each other?
Is there a Starbuck’s in Coffeeville, Cold Water or Hot Coffee, Mississippi? Take the world tour and never leave “The Magnolia State”; visit Paris, Denmark, Kokomo, Eden, Egypt or Hollywood. Not sure where the name Big Bogue Homo came from; probably better off not knowing.
Heading northward, Tennessee welcomes you in Sweet Lips, Finger and Life. Think Disco and Ducktown host Rick Dees festivals? You just have to go to Smartt (yes, with two Ts) if only to snicker. And how could you not love a place called Bucksnort?
Sure hope the Alabama towns of Aimwell and Intercourse don’t border each other. [That could be a traveler’s nightmare.] But with towns called Burnt Corn or Muck City; let’s just say they’re Eclectic.
“The Sunshine State” invites you to Red Head and Yellow Water; Chicken Head and Two Egg. What in God’s name was going on when they named Yeehaw Junction? Last, let’s simply list a Florida ‘burg without comment except to say that the city fathers met, debated and at last decided this was a perfect name: Dildo Key.
There ain't much pride when you're trapped inside
A slowly sinkin’ ship
Scooped up the liquid deep and green
And the whole town took a sip
Fever went away and the very next day the skies again were blue
Well, they sure are friendly in Hopeulikit and Santa Claus, GA. Okefenokee and Chickasawhatchee. Huh? That’s certainly an Enigma. What prompted Talking Rock? Was marijuana involved in the decision-making process?
South Carolina, you really need to do better than Townville. They can’t wait to bid you Welcome and do get some extra points for South of the Border to offset that piddlin’ start, though. You could always go Due West to Little Switzerland all of Ninetimes, I suppose.
To the Bat Cave! Sure hope Big Lick and Boogertown aren’t sister cities in North Carolina. Apparently, things can get a little off-kilter in Askewville; not so in Bunlevel or Frog Level. Here’s hoping Horneytown has another meaning involving frogs. Whynot? (Reminds you a little of Baptist minister/comedian Grady Nutt; a farmer one Fall day invited Nutt to a tobacco barn, then to the stripping room. He didn’t know what a stripping room was but he went anyway.)
Eureka ! I have found it. Virginia revels in its Simplicity. But in “The Old Dominion State”, you can travel to California, Delaware, Bagdad, Jamaica [“mon”] and Ontario in the same day. Is Bumpass pronounced as if it were a touch on the backside [or Butts] or a throughway, or pass, with no obvious financial support? Needmore? You just gotta visit Nuttsville while you’re there.
HooHoo! They’re livin’ large in West Virginia; just ask at Big Chimney or Big Ugly. They’re Friendly there, too despite War, Nitro and Crum. A bit Odd to have a place named Hurricane; not really a chance of that weather phenomenon there. Merely another Lost City.
“Let's thank old Hattie for savin’ our town
We'll fetch her from the Black Bayou”
Party of ten of the town's best men headed for Hattie's Shack
Said Swamp Witch magic was useful and good
And they're gonna bring Hattie back
Never found Hattie and they never found the shack
And they never made a trip back in
‘Cause a parchment note they found tacked to a stump
Said “Don't come lookin’ again.”
Florida native Jim Stafford is best-known as being a singer/composer of humorous tunes, like the 1975 singles "Your Bulldog Drinks Champagne" and "I Got Stoned and I Missed It."
In 1974, he charted with "16 Little Red Noses And A Horse That Sweats" and his biggest hit, "Spiders & Snakes.” But Stafford first charted on Billboard in 1974 with the dark, eerie“The Swamp Witch."
In the early 1970s, there was no MTV or VH1 so music videos were not even an afterthought. Modern-day fans put images to music, independent of the recording artist, like this You Tube version of Stafforrd’s “The Swamp Witch”.
“Well, dip me in shit and call me stinky.”
or
“Butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
To someone who is laughing,
“Oh, cheer up.”
Mean,
“She could go bear huntin' with a switch.”
or
“She’s so mean she could go bear huntin' and give the bear the gun.”
Final,
“It’s over. Stop beating a dead horse.”
Contented,
“She was happy as a pig in shit (slop).”
I can wait [indeterminate time],
“Take as long as you like. I’ll be here ‘til the cows come home.”
No,
“Forget it; that ol’ dog won’t hunt no more.”
Too-small clothing,
“There’s 10 pounds of horse shit in a 5 pound bag.”
Heavy,
“That’s so big it'd take four men and a midget to lift it."
Satisfactory ending,
“That possum's on the stump.”
Fell,
“He went ass over teakettle, all the way down the hill.”
[afterward—“First day with the new legs?” (or) “Walk a lot, do ya?”]
“Don’t lie to me”.
“Don’t pee down my back then tell me it’s rainin’”
Threat,
“I oughta whomp you in the face with a shovel, boy.”
or
“I got half a mind to knock the stem-windin’ shit right outta you.”
or
“Back off from me or I’ll knock you seven ways from Sunday.”
or
“I'm gonna whip you so hard you won't be able to sit down for a week."
or
“I might oughta take you down a notch (peg) or two."
Last or trailing badly,
“Boy, he’s suckin’ the hind tit.”
Exhausted,
“He’s too pooped to pop.”
or
“She’s worn to a frazzle.”
Inebriated,
“He’s drunker ‘n Old Cooter Brown.”
“Too bad”, “Tough luck”,
“Wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which gets fuller faster.”
or
“Yeah, people in Hell want ice water, too.”
Stupid or lacking common sense,
“She doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground.
or
“He couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a flashlight (directions, a map).”
or
“He can’t count to 21 without getting undressed.”
Who knows this person?
Long-winded,
“If you ask him what time it is, he’ll tell you how to build the watch.”
The Blue Mud Chronicles is available on-line at http://blue-mud.net/The_Blue_Mud_Chronicles_August2008.html
and as a Print-on-Demand [POD] book online
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Woodrow World
Blue Mud Chronicles July, 2008